Boy, when it comes to tacky celebrity weddings, the end of the 20th Century and the first decade of the 21st Century have surely provided an embarrassment of riches.
Where to begin?
Well, for starters, there’s top-heavy actress Pamela Anderson’s twin bikini-clad weddings to white-trash rockers Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.
These two events alone provided tabloid fodder for at least a decade.
Then you have Liza Minnelli marrying an obviously gay man, David Gest, repeating her mother Judy Garland’s mistake in marrying gay film director Vincent Minnelli, whom she later caught in flagrante delicto with another man.
Gest and Minnelli’s ceremony was not only one of the most expensive weddings in history, but because of the groom’s obvious swishyness and man-loving proclivities, it was clearly doomed from the start, despite a celebrity-studded send-off that included performers like Paula Abdul, Tony Bennett, the original Doobie Brothers, Gloria Gaynor, Donny Osmond, The Pointer Sisters, Paul Schaeffer, Usher, and Dionne Warwick.
Hey, if your marriage is going to crash and burn, you might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?
Then of course, who could forget Canadian warbler Celine Dion’s Arabian Nights-themed nuptials to Rene Angelli?
Held in the classy venue of the Caesars Palace chapel in Las Vegas, this uber-tacky affair featured performing camels, birds, and jugglers in a setting that had been transformed to look like an Arabian mosque.
The tackiness reached its peak with the fashion-impaired bride’s choice of a pure gold dress.
In the end, it was a toss-up as to who wore more eye makeup to the affair, Dion, or her bloated, effeminate spouse.
However, if you’re talking tackiness, it would be impossible to ignore airhead Pop Princess Britney Spears wedding to white trash loser Kevin Federline, a man who has always reflected badly on ignorant, no-account rednecks everywhere.
In a hopeless bid to add some class to her nuptials, Spears dyed her locks a demure shade of brown, but that’s where any semblance of taste or restraint ended.
The wedding’s theme was “pimps and maids,” so the members of the bridal party were gifted with pink and white velour tracksuits that sported either “pimp” or “maid” on the back.
And Britney’s transparent plastic platform shoes were vintage 70’s streetwalker gear.
God, how classy!
The wedding dinner consisted of Britney’s faves, fried chicken and hamburgers.
In lieu of typical wedding gifts like blenders and crystal stemware, guests were asked to give the happy couple some “naughty knickers.”
This whole debacle is a classic example of what happens when you give ignorant trailer trash more money than they know what to do with.